look, first thing’s first, i know that résumé revision and getting a job and all that shit is important. okay? i do know that. honestly, i do.
but hey, mother, you wanna know why i don’t tell you about my writing? why i never want you to read anything i’ve written? why i don’t talk to you about fanfiction anymore?
it’s because i know you’ll dismiss it as a hobby, and either try to figure out ways to make it into a career, or pressure me to tout it as a ‘special skill’ or whatever, or you’ll side-eye me about wasting time i could be dedicating to looking for a job, and ‘well, i just think you need to be careful to prioritize things,’ etc. etc. etc. what the fuck ever.
great. great, fantastic, i was right in the middle of writing the last scene (the last scene) of this fic, i would’ve been done, and now my motivation is shot to shit. great. awesome. i’m so glad that happened, that was a great conversation we were just having.
god fucking dammit.
hey so anyone else really hate their family?
not all of them i guess, and not all the time, but, you know, sometimes it’s hard to remember which is which.
confused? uncle stuart is visiting.
yeah. cleared that right up.
i think the thing is, when he calls on the phone, it’s because he has a specific thing he wants to talk about, a specific goal to accomplish, so i forget when i’m not talking to him face to face how awful it is trying to converse with him. he is the worst conversationalist i have ever met, or at least the worst one i’ve been repeatedly forced into conversation with. for fuck’s sake, i try to talk to him about stuff, sort of, for awhile, but his answers are either “okay” or like, some monosyllabic sullen teenager shit, and i have nowhere to go. dude’s gotta learn to “yes and”!
and i know i’m uninviting to him, i know i am, but even when i do really put effort into talking with him, which does happen sometimes, he’s still totally unresponsive and it’s like i’m talking to a fucking tree! except with even less exchange of ideas! unless i say something he disagrees with, then there’s this passive-aggressive little “oh hm well for xyz reasons that’s ridiculous but you know that’s just how things are so whatever.”
oh, but, mom came in here to chew me out for not making him feel welcome after coming all the way to new york to visit his mother (to be fair, i didn’t actually know why he was coming, and the only reason i knew he was coming at all is that i looked at mom’s schedule, but she still doesn’t know i do that and i wasn’t gonna tell her i have access to her iphone on my laptop just for this), and staying at our house (that is not a plus for me, and it’s not him doing something nice, it’s you doing something nice, because he’s family), and i made her sad and i think embarrassed? there might have been another adjective, i forget.
anyway the point is you know how when i was a kid and i did poorly on an exam or something, dad would just be like “are you gonna do better next time?” and i would feel like absolute shit for being such a disappointment? well, good news, this time around all i felt was boredom. also i was wondering how long it would take for her to get over it, but mostly boredom. sociopathy ftw!
ugh, i guess i have to be like…extra nice and chatty when they get back…
i hate my family.