I have wanted to do this for a long time and now I am going to do it and no one is going to stop me.

This is a blunt review of the first aired episode of The Big Bang Theory.

Althea is easily the best thing about the entire exchange at the sperm bank. Also she is the best thing to happen to every subsequent scene that takes place in a hospital.

Wait, Sheldon is a “semi-pro”? At what, masturbating? Contrary to the unaired pilot, Sheldon is quickly established to be a more or less asexual being and I have a really hard time imagining him beating off on a regular basis.

Sheldon and Leonard are allegedly trying to earn some extra money for T1 bandwidth in their apartment. Sheldon is later established to be quite well-off, due primarily to his rarely spending money frivolously (which is weird, because he’s also established to be a collector of rare [and not-so-rare] comics and memorabilia, meaning he regularly spends a lot of money on non-necessities, and [and I know this point is going to come up again, possibly often because it really baffles me] they eat takeout food on a weekly [possibly even a daily] schedule, which has got to be expensive). The point is that I would think they would have enough money by this point, or enough money set aside, given their fondness for technology and keeping up-to-date with it, to afford a T1 line without needing to take unusual measures. Also, given that they leave the bank without making a deposit and the matter of the T1 line never comes up again, am I to believe that they find the money elsewhere? I’m assuming they don’t simply go without, based again on their fondness for new technology (and the speed of a T1 connection), so…I was right, then, in thinking that the entire beginning of the episode was a pointless endeavor? I understand its relevance in the unaired pilot, since that’s how they meet the girl, but in this context they just need something to get them out of and then returning to the apartment. I imagine it could’ve been done a lot better.

All of Penny’s luggage and such seems to be moved into her apartment. Why is her door still open? See there, she just closed it. Convenient plot device alert. And why did Leonard and Sheldon leave their door open after they got home? I think because the doors are light due to cheap set design and don’t close on their own. It’s actually a little awkward once you pick up on it.

Penny sees Sheldon’s board and is impressed, which, fine, whatever, but the part that confuses me is how proud Sheldon is of it. He wants to show it off, possibly even brag about it. Does he want to make a good impression on this random new girl (who he doesn’t need to impress, because she’s, you know, stupid) who he’s just fake-vomited over the presence of in his apartment? He doesn’t want to sleep with her, that’s obvious, and he’s very sure of himself, that’s even more obvious, so why bother? Does he need the validation? But he’s so arrogant, and she’s so dumb, that seems unlikely. Weird inconsistencies!

Okay, when your host who just kindly invited you over for a free lunch says “that’s where I sit,” you don’t say “sit next to me” in some kind of weird semi-flirty thing. You say “I’m sorry,” and you move over. And then after he explains why he wants to sit there, you don’t say “do you want me to move,” because obviously he wants you to move, that is why he said that’s where he sits. You shut up and you move.

I’m surprised Penny knows what Klingon is. I actually don’t think she does, in which case no, Leonard, telling her you play Klingon Boggle does not say much about you at all.

A vegetarian except for fish would be a pesco-vegetarian. A vegetarian except for the occasional steak would be an omnivore. I.e., not a vegetarian.

Writing a screenplay, huh? Yeah, you and 87% of the rest of California’s population.

Penny’s been onscreen for about seven minutes and I already think she’s 1. stupid, 2. emotionally unstable, 3. an over-sharer. I guess that’s a good job of establishing her character efficiently, but it sure doesn’t endear me towards her.

Not that the Internet doesn’t already know this, but Darth Vader shampoo and Luke Skywalker conditioner are apparently collector’s items. Probably wouldn’t be found in Leonard’s shower.

My hackles raise every time Howard does his Stephen Hawking impression. I know Hawking eventually does a cameo, so he must not be too offended or anything, but I just find it to be so tasteless. It’s not even that accurate.

Why do they all say “coitus” so much? I would think that especially Howard would say “sex.” Oh, and now they all know Penny is an idiot. “I work at the Cheesecake Factory!” Uh…good for you? So I guess that’s the defining point of your identity, which is…a little sad, actually.

Oh look! Look! Shitty green screen technology in an obviously immobile car while Leonard “drives” without moving the wheel!

Okay. Okay, okay. Raj can’t speak to women because he’s a nerd? No. I don’t think so. If you want to give him pathological shyness or an actual medical or psychological disorder or whatever, that’s one thing, but he can’t speak to women because he’s a nerd? Dude, Howard, you are the one with the NES controller belt buckle. (According to the costume designer, Howard is the “fashion plate” of the group. He wears a dicky. Like all the time. And that haircut, wow. He is not a fashion anything. Well, no. Possibly he is a fashion disaster.)

“Oh my god, what happened?” Uh…her ex took their pants, and didn’t give them the TV. You know. Duh. Her deductive reasoning skills are abysmally low, aren’t they? That’s nice, given that I’m obviously supposed to be relating to this girl (the alternative being to relate to a bunch of physicists and an aerospace engineer at Cal Tech). I’m so glad to know how highly these writers think of their viewership.

Why do I watch this show, given my obvious disdain for it? Because, I admit it, it’s addictive. And I can put it on in the background and zone out while I’m working, since it doesn’t require as much effort or attention as music, which occasionally makes me want to stop working to listen to specific songs.


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