I really should’ve known better than to expect much.
DrawerElma does some pretty adorable puzzleshipping art, but for the last few months or so she’s been posting stuff from this fic she’s writing called BitterxSweet (now that I think about it, that’s a pretty lame title) and it’s just been built up and up and up that this fic is going to be released soon, and the first chapter was posted today…!
I mean, I don’t know about the plot (apparently Yami’s a a jerk, or so sayeth her author note) because I started reading it and then this happened:
A loud scream echoed through a small house in the city of Domino.
Everyone in the neighborhood had been asleep long ago, so no one was around to hear the yelling or pay attention to it. As the night covered the streets, the shouting slowly faded away.
So worth the wait.
But, well, I’m a fair-ish individual, so I was willing to forgo both the fact that the instant I finished that first sentence, my brain had replaced it with “A screaming comes across the sky,” and that “everyone in the neighborhood had been asleep long ago” is a really poor sentence fragment (also yes, people were around to hear the yelling, they were merely not paying attention to it because they were asleep).
I carried on until:
A young man with spiky hair and tanned skin exited a small house in complete rage. His outfit consisted of a red shirt accompanied by a pair of jeans.
The temptation to stop was strong, but a person’s gotta finish the full paragraph, no?
Despite the fact of it being late, he seemed to be far more concerned about what was going on inside of the house. How could someone be able to get any sleep with such a racket? He eventually sat down at the porch’s ledge, cursing lightly in annoyance.
A person shouldn’t have bothered.
Also, two paragraphs later, she commits the grammatical (and stylistic) sin of: “I’m getting bored of your whining, Atem.” A more soothing deep voice said not showing any sign of rage but more content.
Oh dear. (To make matters worse, the speaker is subsequently identified as “the owner of the new voice.”) And I think this is one of those big projects with a “crack team” of beta readers, too. As in, more than one. As in…I don’t even know. Why aren’t any of them any good? Why?
Okay, one more thing. This caught my eye near the end of that first page:
“See you later, I have school to attend tomorrow morning.” Yami smirked and patted his brother on the shoulder whilst walking back into the house.
And he’s gotta have pretty long arms to be patting Atem on the shoulder whilst walking back into the house.
And who says “attend”? “I have school to attend tomorrow morning.” Do you hear yourself? Do you really? I don’t think you do.
ETA: “I like your writing style. It’s not repetitive and I saw little to no grammar mistakes.”
Maybe you shouldn’t be putting too much stock in those sorts of accolades from someone who thinks “little to no grammar mistakes” is appropriate phrasing.
A.K.A. Evil-duct-tape, sit down and shut up.
ETA: Editing time!
A loud scream [sounded from] a small house [in the]*
city of Domino [City]. *[Give a more precise description. The edge of the city? Midtown? etc.]
[Almost e]veryone in the neighborhood
had been [was long] asleep long ago, so no one was around to hear[d] the yelling or pay [paid] attention to it. [As the night covered the streets,]* the [shouting]** slowly faded away [stopped]. *[I’m confused about the timing. If everyone’s been asleep for a while, I would think it’s around midnight, at least, but this sentence implies that night is still falling, which means it’s closer to 6:00.] **[Screaming, yelling, and now shouting? Consistency isn’t the same thing as repetitiveness.]
A young man with spiky hair and tanned skin
exited a small house in complete rage [stormed out of the house]. [His outfit consisted of a red shirt accompanied by a pair of jeans.]* Despite the fact of it being late hour, he seemed to be far more concerned about [with] what was going on inside of the house [than with…?]. How could someone be able to get any sleep with such a racket? He eventually sat down at the [edge of the] porch ’s ledge, cursing [irritably] lightly in annoyance. *[I don’t care. This description is forced and sounds irrelevant. From a more objective position, however, it tells me that he’s still dressed in street clothes, meaning he’s not getting ready for bed (i.e., it’s late, but he’s still awake and alert; I wonder why?), meaning that this is a pretty important descriptive detail. Don’t frame it as telling me about his outfit; I don’t care about his fashion sense. I care that it’s almost midnight in a sleepy little town and he’s not even planning to go to bed.]
“I’m getting bored of your whining, Atem
.[,]” A more soothing [a] deep voice said [soothingly,] not showing any sign of rage but more [content]* [than anything]. *[That doesn’t make any sense to me. I can understand this other person not being angry, but content? He just said he was bored, and now his tone is content? I don’t get it.]
Ahhh what is happening to the English language?