everything we eat is shaped like a dinosaur

Holy shit! It’s another wild Highly Recommended and Really Bad Sherlock Fic! (“Be Here Now”)

Soooo long…soooo boring…

Well, no, it was pretty compelling at first; ehh, not compelling, maybe, but it moved fast enough that I kept up and was like, interested in seeing what would happen. Then Chapter 6 comes along and all of a sudden Sherlock is shot (at this highly protected and very isolated compound where there are cameras monitoring everything and Mycroft is on high alert) and in critical condition and John is immediately snapped all the way back to sober after having just spent a long time grieving over Sherlock’s supposed death (despite having started the story by almost shooting himself in the face).

Then Chapter 8 comes along and suddenly Moriarty’s father, James, has been doing secret behind-the-scenes international relations dealing with Mycroft and he’s basically Mycroft but…not quite? And his son was a crazy person but he knew it and hoped to control him even though he realized Jim was out of control? Also seriously, could you not go for something canonical, like James Moriarty’s brother James Moriarty? No, you had to bring in some fake father whose name is also James, what the fuck.

And then Chapter 11 happens and James is…going to take his vengeance out on Sherlock by roping John, Sherlock, and Irene into some weird deadly international Capture the Flag shit (btw the bullet was meant for Irene for some reason? She was being hunted by some anonymous sniper team and that’s why she stayed at Mycroft’s compound? And he didn’t realize she was a threat to John and Sherlock’s safety so he let her?). So the bulk of the story is the three of them off at their various super-personally meaningful places (Afghanistan, Amsterdam, and Minsk, respectively) engaging in these weird scavenger hunt things with a bunch of OCs I think I’m supposed to care about but I really really don’t.

I’m not just skimming the last five chapters (2125), I am legit skimming them, like reading maybe 47% of the text on the screen. This writing is so dull.

Oh god, I just skipped almost all of Chapter 22 and at the end Mycroft offers a job to the random OC who paired up with Sherlock in Amsterdam? He has no qualifications. Mycroft tells him he’s “proven himself more than qualified” and I don’t know why. Because he saved Sherlock’s life and has…good people-reading skills? Sort of? Gary Stu.

Naturally because these people all think they can write and are obsessed with porn, there’s porn, and fortunately for me there’s no emotional or narrative context contained within the porn so I can skip it all suuuuuper easily.

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