you caught a male spiritomb!

oh my god.

so kelley, who likes reblogging other people’s art with unvarnished praise regardless of the actual quality thereof, reblogged this thing based on this fic (the summary is just “CAM comes to play”) and i was like “dude, what the fuck, is that moriarty and anthea?” (turns out no, it’s mycroft and anthea, but i have to tell you that looks way more like moriarty than mycroft…although i suppose the umbrella should’ve been a clue, but in my defense, that doesn’t look like anthea, so my conclusion is that he’s a fine original artist but not so much the fanartist.)

anyway! i was so curious that i clicked on the link to the fic (it’s called “Snowblind,” apparently, and it’s john/mary but i didn’t know that before i clicked) and holy fuck this is terrible. like i started reading it aloud for my own amusement and literally the only time my tone changed was when a sentence ended with a question mark.

this is the section i read, from the beginning of chapter 36, Barrier Plans:

“Not I.” Rang through the earpieces.

The lights were out. Including the emergency lights. It was nothing but inky blackness. The machinery was still humming. The sounds seemed louder. St. Jude’s fury was made very evident. Mary could hear Mycroft messing with the torches.

“It is really dark in here.”

“And very loud.”

“Loss of one sense makes the others more acute.”

“Correct. Mary close your eyes.” Mycroft stated.

“Ok. They are closed.”

Mycroft slowly opened his eyes not to blind himself. The torches gave him a four meter circle of light. Mycroft covered her eyes.

“Now you can open them.”

Mycroft gradually opened his fingers. Letting the light in gradually.

“Now that is a smart idea.”

Mycroft was wearing the two torches 180 degrees apart on his head. One forward. One back.

“Thanks. Now I’m sorry if this causes you any pain. Tell me and I can adjust my grip.”

Mary nodded. Mycroft stood up and stretched.

“Ready?”

“Yes.”

Mycroft reached under her thighs and around her back. He tightened the grip before he lifted. Mary put her left arm around his shoulders.

“Mary I need one bounce to get you up.”

“Ok.”

Mycroft did it fast. Mary was a bit dizzy. She just tucked into Mycroft’s chest. He slowly stood up.

“Mary?”

“I’m ok. Just a bit dizzy.

“Comfortable?”

“Yes. I will let you know if something is going on.”

“Ok. Ready?”

“Yes.”

i mean, granted, i have no idea what’s going on action- or plot-wise, but i hardly think that even matters.

good lord, i skipped a bit down the page and found this absolute gem:

“What can you leg press?”

“A tad over twice my weight.”

Mary realized how much muscle Mycroft was carrying.

“Well your pretty ripped from what I can tell.”

and a bit later, evidently at some sort of reunion scene:

“They are rather talented like that.”

Everyone turned towards Mycroft’s voice.

“Hi everyone.” Mary said with a smile and wave.

John just went on instinct. He kissed Mary on the lips. Then Mycroft on the cheek. Mycroft carried her into the lift and gently laid her down. Mary put her forehead against his.

“Thanks Mycroft.”

Mycroft stood up and found John pulling him into a bear hug. Mycroft relaxed into it. Neither of them said anything. Words would cheapen the sentiment. They allowed themselves a minute before they pulled apart.

you know what else cheapens the sentiment? this writing. actually this writing removes the sentiment. this writing renders the sentiment inconsequential because it’s impossible to tell what the sentiment is.

because i’m me, this is the “petty and small” portion of this already pretty petty and small entry: the story was first posted on 9 january 2014 and most recently updated (chapter 36) 10 december 2015, clocking in at a total of 59,477 words, and it has 4490 hits (two of which are mine so they don’t count) and 25 kudos. also this author is 46 years old. that shit was written by a 46-year old. who joined ao3 in 2012 and selected the penname Dragonsbain. good lord.

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