jojoba oil

ew, ew, ew.

kelley just posted a fic to ao3 that she’s been working on for, i dunno, a few days or something; oh, 9 january, to be precise, so, three days ago, all because of the behind-the-scenes bit from the blu-ray where ben strips down to his wetsuit and then kelley started throwing out a bunch of stupid au ideas about sherlock stripping like that for john (it’s not like good stripping, ben is purposefully being nerdy). she said, you know, “someone has to write this,” and then about ten seconds later, “fuck it i’ll write this.” (i think it was “hell, i’m writing it,” but, details.)

i clicked on it just for a lark, and ew.

it’s an au!alternate first meeting, sherlock is bizarrely infiltrating a strip club as a stripper to catch some random criminal for whatever case he’s on, and john’s there with his old rugby mates (not that he has any, seriously, john is lonely as fuck before he meets sherlock) for some reason and sherlock starts giving him a lap dance, i think? i glossed over…all of it, it was so, so awkward. oh and apparently she somehow had three people helping her out with it, a couple of cheerleaders helping her amp up the sex (because apparently asexual aromantics can’t write sexy sex scenes, uh, i beg to differ) and a proper beta reader (get your money back, sugarplum), which, why.

what kills me, absolutely kills me about this is that just because she’s very well-liked on tumblr, this fic will probably get thousands and thousands of hits. it’s short! it’s not very clear! it’s voyeuristic! it’s complete fanservice! it’s fairly pointless! but it will be popular.

meanwhile, krustophenia sits on the shelf.

in conversation

oh, god, why did i do that? why on earth did i do that?

some loser posted a shitty potterlock “manip” (a screencap of lestrade hugging sherlock after his return with the text “Yer a wizard, Sherlock” in bright red) and i tried to ignore it, i really really did, but there’s been very little new potterlock for the last few days so her thing has stayed up close to the top of the dash and i keep seeing it, and her handle is “girlmeetssherlock” which just sounds like the mating call of the self-inserter, and i had to see if she was on ao3. she is, by the way, Pickwick12, and she has 6 sherlock stories as well as some other non-sherlock crap.

turns out she’s not a self-inserter, she’s a sherlollier, which is i think not quite but very nearly as bad. some other nerd made some fanart for one of her stories, “The Avatar and the Real Girl,” and in a terrific moment of weakness i decided it would be a good idea to glimpse this story and see what the deal is.

i couldn’t manage much, frankly; the writing is…second person, i think? i can’t be bothered to double-check, honestly, but it’s from sherlock’s pov directed mainly toward molly, probably (i only read the end of the penultimate chapter and skimmed the last one). seems like it’s supposed to be all self-reflective and introspective and deep; sherlock invented this “Scientist Girl” in his mind palace when he was 8 and then meets molly at some point and she like, is the girl in his head, and then i assume from the summary that the story is all them coming to terms with the reality of something being different from the imagined version of it but better because it’s real or whatever. (i know i know i know there’s a johnlock version of this, or a few, maybe, and i’m not saying they’re inherently superior or necessarily well-written [i can’t remember], but they are inherently superior, and at least one of them is definitely better written but i forget what it’s called and who it’s by.)

so then because apparently i’m a ridiculous masochist i went and looked at the other nonsense she’s penned, and there’s one called “The Detective and Mrs. Watson,” and how can you not want to see a sherlollier’s vision of mary the not-villain, honestly? jesus christ, the summary is “John Watson isn’t speaking to his pregnant wife, but she’s not alone. The world’s only consulting detective takes care of the woman who almost shot him to death, for reasons they both understand very well.” (oh, p.s., she’s super christian, so, that’s fun.)

the story is broken into mercifully brief vignettes of mary’s numerous visits to the…obgyn, i guess, while she’s getting checkups and fetal ultrasounds and other pregnancy-related doctor things. oh, except that for the sixth month, the vignette takes place in a tesco where sherlock is buying mary olives and peanut butter (because apparently she has no money?) and they’re talking about what a bummer it is that john hasn’t come round yet, and sherlock says that if she comes [i assume to 221B] for christmas john will forgive her and they can reconcile because, i quote, “I’ll talk him round,” which is then fucking explained as “his use of the words she once said to him” (as if readers wouldn’t know, because a) it’s obvious and b) the reminder is handled clumsily, i mean just look at that awkward sentence structure). then in month seven john and mary have, apparently, super reconciled, because they excitedly barge into sherlock’s home and shove an ultrasound printout in his face. then they all hang around to watch telly and john excuses himself to take apparently the world’s longest phone call from a patient (which btw he shouldn’t be doing because he’s a gp, not a specialist, so his patients should call his office and not have his personal number) so mary can casually ask sherlock why he “did it all,” i.e., went to all those appointments with her and like pretended to be her child’s father (where the fuck is david), and sherlock says it was all for john, which, great, way to make mary feel irrelevant, i would assume, but she just kisses his cheek and i have a little bit of acid reflux.

however the worst, i mean the absolute worst throwaway line in this entire shitstorm occurs during month five, when mary and sherlock comment that the other has gained weight recently (mary obviously due to her pregnancy and sherlock because he’s recovered since she shot him, i think) and sherlock says: “John is angry, Mary. I’m not. I’ve never been angry. I understand.” (then mary says “I know” and they go to her appointment with a new “companionable quality.”)

No.

(incidentally somewhere on her tumblr she has a link to a post by some other person who’s an actual md who has a whole meta explaining that mary didn’t mean to kill sherlock, just to incapacitate him, basically because she had no choice but to shoot him (what?) but if she’d wanted to kill him she would’ve gone directly for the heart but instead she kindly went for approximately his liver. i…what. i mean. what.)

right, first of all, you can’t have sherlock say he understands, and your summary say that “they both understand very well” so i basically spend the story waiting for an explanation, and then not explain it, because i do not understand, which means i’m immediately taken out of the rest of the narrative (or would be if i had bought into any of it from the start). second, if john is angry, and has been this whole time (hang on a tic; john and mary marry in “the sign of three,” which is also when mary finds out she’s pregnant, and she shoots sherlock in “his last vow,” meaning that he must’ve been in hospital recovering for a considerable time after “the reveal,” so how exactly was he able to go with her to her first month’s obgyn appointment?), then do you honestly expect me to believe that 1) he hasn’t already talked to sherlock about the shooting at least once, yet 2) sherlock alone can convince him not to be angry and to move back in with mary by chatting him up and, i don’t know, evoking the christmas spirit? apparently you do, which, especially in a story this short, is a ridiculous thing to expect of your readers.

the first comment (Aishuu) is “Love this… because I could see it playing out that way!” (how?) and then the second (Amilyn) is “I LOVE the repetition of the ‘I’ll talk him round,’ and Sherlock being there, not sure what to do, but protecting, doing what he knows John would have wanted, doing it all for John. I love Mary kissing his cheek, him not minding, and most of all, ‘Does John ask about me?’ ‘Every day.’ Lovely.” ffs john isn’t dead, he’s just isolating himself from his wife, because she shot his best friend and tried to kill him. also don’t those comments sound quite a bit like sherlock is, say, in love with john? “why are you protecting my wife, good friend person?” “oh, because i care deeply for you and would do anything for you, my compatriot.” “ah yes, of course, casual acquaintance, i quite understand.”

fucking hell, mary stans are watching a different show, i swear.