i’m rather pleased with the way this turned out.
ETA: all right, all right, i checked it out. she’s got 20k+ views anyway, i doubt one more will make a difference.
train. fucking. wreck.
this is the first paragraph:
In the early hours of Monday morning, before the sun has even fully risen barely peeking through the partially closed slats of their dorm room window and spreading dim light along the comforter, John Watson wakes slowly, coming to with just the softest of sighs, tired eyelids lifting themselves with effort to find out why exact a human-sized furnace is pressed against him, warming him from head to toe under already thick blankets, the chill of London nowhere to be found under layers of warmth that only heavy comforters and close bodies can create.
this is a slightly less nauseating version of the first paragraph:
In the early hours of morning, dim sunlight peeking through the partially-closed slats of their dorm room window and spreading across the comforter, John Watson wakes slowly, coming to with just the softest of sighs. He raises his eyelids with effort to find out why, exactly, a human-sized furnace is pressed against him, warming him from head to toe, the chill of London nowhere to be found.
a bit later on, i think still before sherlock wakes up (but after a few other demolitions of the english language and multiple, multiple references to sherlock as “the boy”):
Actually, no. Happy doesn’t even begin to cover John’s emotions right now. Happy doesn’t do justice to what he’s feeling.
Happy is an understatement.
John is bloody overjoyed.
It’s a sort of euphoria falling over him…
in sum: he’s not happy; “happy” is insufficient to express his emotional state. he’s fucking overjoyed, i.e., “more than happy.” actually, hold that thought: he’s euphoric.
okay, you know what, one of the biggest issues i have with this first section, i think, is that she keeps saying john is overjoyed, john is euphoric, john feels affection, sherlock is john’s, john has wanted this for so long, john adores sherlock, etc. etc. etc., but in that, if you cut out the actions, of which there are few, the whole thing could be condensed to “john loves sherlock and they are together after having not been together for a long time.” there’s no real imparting of the emotion itself, no sense of “this is what i love about him,” “this is what he means to me” (and “everything” is not an acceptable answer), not even “this is how i feel” (bland adjectives like “happy” and “euphoric” also being unacceptable answers).
the second section, which i can’t really be bothered to read because her writing is so, so boring and melodramatic, is basically a whole lot of “omg he hasn’t texted me all day i’m super worried does he regret everything that’s happened.”
oh god, and another one of these:
“I swear, he’s-… Sherlock is fine. Really, he is.”
anyway the section is basically john’s mates telling him to get the fuck over it because of course sherlock is gonna be squirrely in his first ever relationship so just let it go and give him a minute.
third section: john irrationally freaks out some more, then returns to the dorm room where sherlock is Doing Chemistry, they fly to each other like magnets and all is forgiven as they…make out, i think, i stopped paying attention.
fourth section: sherlock and john are tremendously enraptured by each other’s eyes, they’re both a little uncomfortable in this new relationship but so fucking happy, blah blah whatever, they go to a party at mike’s, sherlock finds everything “absurd and ridiculous and embarrassing and so damn wonderful” (go figure), sherlock is falling in love with john and terrified of the prospect, there’s smut on the horizon, end scene.
why is this story so popular. why. it’s dreadful. actually, i think mssmithlove1 would make a decent airport novelist, the kind of shit people pick up for a long plane ride and then throw away and never recommend to anyone because why bother.