haunted cartridge

i was downloading all of mom’s stupid photos from her stupid iphone to her pc, which was a fucking hassle (still not complete because apple fucking sucks), but in the process i found that she had not deleted that “selfie” from emily’s birthday, of her and me and our mothers, that i had very vehemently not wanted to be a part of and then very strongly requested she delete.

granted, no concession was made that she would delete it, but i mean i didn’t even look at it, emily saw it and she said it had been taken right in the middle of my saying “what,” so i knew i had to look incredibly stupid, which is one of the many reasons i don’t enjoy being photographed, and i wanted it deleted.

so i’m downloading all these stupid fucking photos and wouldn’t you know it, there’s the “birthday selfie.” so these photos aren’t fucking downloading, so i go online to search “my iphone won’t download photos to my pc,” and find that a lot of people have this problem, but i should download icloud for windows, apparently, because that helps some people. so i do, and it helps a little, but not much.

so then i go back to mom’s bedroom to tell her that this thing is basically a nonstarter, and i mention that i noticed she still had a copy of that photo that i very explicitly asked her to delete, and she makes absolutely zero comment.

then she gets on the computer, as though she’s going to be able to solve this dumbass problem, and i explain that i know that the new software helped a little because after i downloaded and used it, that stupid fucking picture that i explicitly asked to be deleted was on the computer whereas previously it had only been on the iphone.

again, zero comment.

there’s no real satisfying conclusion to this story, i’m just really fucking angry.

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red cold river

it doesn’t really hit until it hits, but it’s actually been a long time since i had a legit depressive episode.

here’s all the shit that’s piled up to bring it on:

  1. stuart is here
    1. he and mom and i had to go to the bank this morning (we were supposed to go at a little before 10, but for some reason having to do with them not having their shit together, we ended up not leaving until closer to 10:40)
    2. on the walk over, mom brings up to me that maureen proposed that the four of us get together for emily’s birthday (which is all well and good, i’m in favor)
    3. i mention that i recently contacted her about the suits season finale and we had some words (mostly just to demonstrate that we talked recently); she seems…mildly interested
    4. i throw out that i’ve been contacted multiple times over the past few days about the finale by other people, and she Does Not Care, but not even like “maybe we shouldn’t talk about this right now,” just like, not responding, awkwardly walking away
    5. at the bank, she says in this really aggressive tone, “could you make at least a little more of an effort” or something to that effect, and i’m… i don’t even fucking know what to say to that, i’ve responded conversationally to every fucking thing he’s said to me since he’s been here and he has made his usual zero effort to engage with me when she’s not forcing us together and now he’s on his goddamn cell phone checking his goddamn email but i bet you, i will bet you that if i put my earphones in while we’re waiting for my name to be called, i would catch it about not being “receptive” or “available” or whatever
  2. writingtoreachyou said she’s glad i couldn’t find “livesaver” on spotify because she fervently hates sunrise avenue
    1. i know we all have different musical tastes, and i said as much in the original posts, that the collection was eclectic, and i don’t want to take it personally, but i really like that song, and you know how it is when someone says they really dislike a song you have the opposite reaction to? it’s a little demoralizing
  3. someone messaged me about patrick liking a few tweets from people dissatisfied with the finale of suits and wondering about his relationship with korsh, and i mean, that’s fine, i also hate korsh and think he’s terrible and want only the best for patrick and all that, but i don’t want to start commenting on the real actors’ real lives because that’s not fair, but i always feel a little guilty when i delete a message because i know that’s a little bit of a disappointment when you pm someone and don’t see a response
  4. evgenia medvedeva announced that she’s switching from eteri tutberidze to brian orser but will continue to represent the russian skating federation even though she’s training now in canada
    1. i’m actually really, really pleased by this announcement and hope it does wonders for her career, but the inevitable fallout from the naysayers is the final cherry on top of my already tenuous mood

anyway a few minutes ago i thought about crying, but not enough to actually do it, and now i’m trying to think of something i can do to bring me out of it, because this journaling isn’t helping at all, and i have this fic i’m writing that i really want to work on but i don’t know if i have it in me right now.