red cold river

it doesn’t really hit until it hits, but it’s actually been a long time since i had a legit depressive episode.

here’s all the shit that’s piled up to bring it on:

  1. stuart is here
    1. he and mom and i had to go to the bank this morning (we were supposed to go at a little before 10, but for some reason having to do with them not having their shit together, we ended up not leaving until closer to 10:40)
    2. on the walk over, mom brings up to me that maureen proposed that the four of us get together for emily’s birthday (which is all well and good, i’m in favor)
    3. i mention that i recently contacted her about the suits season finale and we had some words (mostly just to demonstrate that we talked recently); she seems…mildly interested
    4. i throw out that i’ve been contacted multiple times over the past few days about the finale by other people, and she Does Not Care, but not even like “maybe we shouldn’t talk about this right now,” just like, not responding, awkwardly walking away
    5. at the bank, she says in this really aggressive tone, “could you make at least a little more of an effort” or something to that effect, and i’m… i don’t even fucking know what to say to that, i’ve responded conversationally to every fucking thing he’s said to me since he’s been here and he has made his usual zero effort to engage with me when she’s not forcing us together and now he’s on his goddamn cell phone checking his goddamn email but i bet you, i will bet you that if i put my earphones in while we’re waiting for my name to be called, i would catch it about not being “receptive” or “available” or whatever
  2. writingtoreachyou said she’s glad i couldn’t find “livesaver” on spotify because she fervently hates sunrise avenue
    1. i know we all have different musical tastes, and i said as much in the original posts, that the collection was eclectic, and i don’t want to take it personally, but i really like that song, and you know how it is when someone says they really dislike a song you have the opposite reaction to? it’s a little demoralizing
  3. someone messaged me about patrick liking a few tweets from people dissatisfied with the finale of suits and wondering about his relationship with korsh, and i mean, that’s fine, i also hate korsh and think he’s terrible and want only the best for patrick and all that, but i don’t want to start commenting on the real actors’ real lives because that’s not fair, but i always feel a little guilty when i delete a message because i know that’s a little bit of a disappointment when you pm someone and don’t see a response
  4. evgenia medvedeva announced that she’s switching from eteri tutberidze to brian orser but will continue to represent the russian skating federation even though she’s training now in canada
    1. i’m actually really, really pleased by this announcement and hope it does wonders for her career, but the inevitable fallout from the naysayers is the final cherry on top of my already tenuous mood

anyway a few minutes ago i thought about crying, but not enough to actually do it, and now i’m trying to think of something i can do to bring me out of it, because this journaling isn’t helping at all, and i have this fic i’m writing that i really want to work on but i don’t know if i have it in me right now.

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hired goons

fencer-x (2018/4/23 02:30)

Untitled

i mean.

i would probably just send a nice little anonymous correction if this was literally anyone else.

but.

little miss japanese culture gatekeeper. little miss fandom police. i don’t even completely remember what about her started annoying me so much, but i know it has something to do with japanese, and probably with yuri!!! on ice. it’s not just that she’s obsessed with free!, because that’s annoying but also she’s allowed to be obsessed with whatever anime she wants.

but i mean. maia shibutani.

that is mirai nagasu.

that is so clearly mirai nagasu.

there’s even a comment in the notes that just says MIRAI NAGASU.

you reblogged this post from a blog titled maiashibutanis, which i bet has a lot of pictures on it of maia shibutani, and you can’t even recognize that, 1. this is not maia shibutani, and 2. this is mirai nagasu.

jfc if the attitude wasn’t enough of a clue (remember “gimme those points”?), you could just look at her face.

this is really funny to me in a schadenfreude kind of way. i wonder if anyone will point it out to her? probably not, and i can just keep being amused by it forever. no, maybe for a couple hours. maybe whenever she does something obnoxious. yeah, that’ll work.

 

would you impose your will

look, first thing’s first, i know that résumé revision and getting a job and all that shit is important. okay? i do know that. honestly, i do.

but hey, mother, you wanna know why i don’t tell you about my writing? why i never want you to read anything i’ve written? why i don’t talk to you about fanfiction anymore?

it’s because i know you’ll dismiss it as a hobby, and either try to figure out ways to make it into a career, or pressure me to tout it as a ‘special skill’ or whatever, or you’ll side-eye me about wasting time i could be dedicating to looking for a job, and ‘well, i just think you need to be careful to prioritize things,’ etc. etc. etc. what the fuck ever.

great. great, fantastic, i was right in the middle of writing the last scene (the last scene) of this fic, i would’ve been done, and now my motivation is shot to shit. great. awesome. i’m so glad that happened, that was a great conversation we were just having.

 

god fucking dammit.

 

lady in the looking glass

hey so anyone else really hate their family?

not all of them i guess, and not all the time, but, you know, sometimes it’s hard to remember which is which.

confused? uncle stuart is visiting.

yeah. cleared that right up.

i think the thing is, when he calls on the phone, it’s because he has a specific thing he wants to talk about, a specific goal to accomplish, so i forget when i’m not talking to him face to face how awful it is trying to converse with him. he is the worst conversationalist i have ever met, or at least the worst one i’ve been repeatedly forced into conversation with. for fuck’s sake, i try to talk to him about stuff, sort of, for awhile, but his answers are either “okay” or like, some monosyllabic sullen teenager shit, and i have nowhere to go. dude’s gotta learn to “yes and”!

and i know i’m uninviting to him, i know i am, but even when i do really put effort into talking with him, which does happen sometimes, he’s still totally unresponsive and it’s like i’m talking to a fucking tree! except with even less exchange of ideas! unless i say something he disagrees with, then there’s this passive-aggressive little “oh hm well for xyz reasons that’s ridiculous but you know that’s just how things are so whatever.”

oh, but, mom came in here to chew me out for not making him feel welcome after coming all the way to new york to visit his mother (to be fair, i didn’t actually know why he was coming, and the only reason i knew he was coming at all is that i looked at mom’s schedule, but she still doesn’t know i do that and i wasn’t gonna tell her i have access to her iphone on my laptop just for this), and staying at our house (that is not a plus for me, and it’s not him doing something nice, it’s you doing something nice, because he’s family), and i made her sad and i think embarrassed? there might have been another adjective, i forget.

anyway the point is you know how when i was a kid and i did poorly on an exam or something, dad would just be like “are you gonna do better next time?” and i would feel like absolute shit for being such a disappointment? well, good news, this time around all i felt was boredom. also i was wondering how long it would take for her to get over it, but mostly boredom. sociopathy ftw!

ugh, i guess i have to be like…extra nice and chatty when they get back…

i hate my family.